Hungry

‘Incompetent’. A disparaging word. Like ‘mediocre’, ‘feeble’, ‘lacklustre’. Who wants to be thought of like that?

Hungry

‘Incompetent’.

A disparaging word.

Like ‘mediocre’,

‘feeble’,

‘lacklustre’.

 

Who wants to be thought of like that?

 

But ‘capable’,

‘whole-hearted’,

‘resilient’,

‘determined’.

 

They savour of purpose, strength, brilliance. They go down into my soul like delicious morsels.

 

These words I long to hear about myself

fill me up.

Temporarily.

Until they are digested,

and I’m hungry for

more.

And the hunger pangs

keep coming,

the cycle continues,

and nothing is satisfying

the constant craving.

 

Alone one day,

with my Friend,

I am honest.

 

I acknowledge that,

in actual fact,

underneath it all,

I am not

competent,

whole-hearted

or determined

(which He knew all along),

and recognise

a little bit

of my incompetence,

apathy and

weakness.

 

I whisper it into prayer,

awaiting punishment,

loss of blessing,

disappointment.

 

But in relief I find,

peace,

understanding,

compassion.

 

I find grace to help me

overcome

the constant failures

and distracted focus.

Mercy for my vanity,

wilful blindness and

ridiculous pride.

Truth that points

me to true Hope.

 

In becoming His,

(those years ago),

I first had to see

my incompetence,

my need of Him,

my poverty of soul.

And every day since

I’ve forgotten

that nothing,

materially,

has changed

in Him,

or me.

 

Times that I wrestled,

overcame,

triumphed,

I took glory

that was only His,

and applied it to me.

I looked to

visible works,

small comforts,

friends’ opinions,

the praise of men:

junk food highs,

to nourish me,

rather

than the hearty spiritual fare

of the Bread of Life

and Living Water.

 

Through honest brokenness before Him,

I experience the

true satisfaction

of being filled, instead,

by Him:

His worth,

His perfect life,

His holiness,

His death,

satisfied God and

justified me.

 

And slowly, I see

a little more

of the wretchedness,

blindness

and need

that will always beset me.

But the grace,

mercy

and love,

that will always be poured in

to meet it.

 

And so in thankfulness

and in awe,

I present my

fickle heart

and feeble body,

as a willing vessel,

as ‘purposeful emptiness’,

to be a tool in His hand.

And ask Him to fill me with what alone can satisfy my deepest hunger:

Him.