‘Incompetent’.
A disparaging word.
Like ‘mediocre’,
‘feeble’,
‘lacklustre’.
Who wants to be thought of like that?
But ‘capable’,
‘whole-hearted’,
‘resilient’,
‘determined’.
They savour of purpose, strength, brilliance. They go down into my soul like delicious morsels.
These words I long to hear about myself
fill me up.
Temporarily.
Until they are digested,
and I’m hungry for
more.
And the hunger pangs
keep coming,
the cycle continues,
and nothing is satisfying
the constant craving.
Alone one day,
with my Friend,
I am honest.
I acknowledge that,
in actual fact,
underneath it all,
I am not
competent,
whole-hearted
or determined
(which He knew all along),
and recognise
a little bit
of my incompetence,
apathy and
weakness.
I whisper it into prayer,
awaiting punishment,
loss of blessing,
disappointment.
But in relief I find,
peace,
understanding,
compassion.
I find grace to help me
overcome
the constant failures
and distracted focus.
Mercy for my vanity,
wilful blindness and
ridiculous pride.
Truth that points
me to true Hope.
In becoming His,
(those years ago),
I first had to see
my incompetence,
my need of Him,
my poverty of soul.
And every day since
I’ve forgotten
that nothing,
materially,
has changed
in Him,
or me.
Times that I wrestled,
overcame,
triumphed,
I took glory
that was only His,
and applied it to me.
I looked to
visible works,
small comforts,
friends’ opinions,
the praise of men:
junk food highs,
to nourish me,
rather
than the hearty spiritual fare
of the Bread of Life
and Living Water.
Through honest brokenness before Him,
I experience the
true satisfaction
of being filled, instead,
by Him:
His worth,
His perfect life,
His holiness,
His death,
satisfied God and
justified me.
And slowly, I see
a little more
of the wretchedness,
blindness
and need
that will always beset me.
But the grace,
mercy
and love,
that will always be poured in
to meet it.
And so in thankfulness
and in awe,
I present my
fickle heart
and feeble body,
as a willing vessel,
as ‘purposeful emptiness’,
to be a tool in His hand.
And ask Him to fill me with what alone can satisfy my deepest hunger:
Him.
