“Oh, you just believe that because your Papa and Mama told you so.”[1]
This simple sentence proved devastating to Isobel Kuhn.
It was 1922. Isobel had come to university prepared to counter the liberal views of the day and any challenges to her faith in Christ.
Yet, faced with the sympathetic pity of her friendly English professor, she began to question the roots of her faith.
Did she only believe in God because her parents had taught her to?
As she walked home from class, she confronted the accusation head-on – and made a decision. She would “henceforth accept no theories of life which [she] had not personally proved”.[2]
She stopped reading her Bible – why read it if it is merely myths? She stopped praying – why speak to someone who may not exist? She stopped attending church on Sunday – why not use the time to catch up on sleep instead?
Later she recorded: “And, quite ignorant of where that attitude would lead me, I had unconsciously stepped off the High Way where man walks with his face lifted Godward, unto The Misty Flats . . . The Misty Flats where the in-betweeners drift to and fro – life has no end but amusement and no purpose.”[3]
Life drifted along pleasantly for a while. She felt a sense of freedom from old duties, and she danced the nights away.
But the pleasantness was soon to end.
Isobel had become engaged to a young man – but one day a friend informed her that her fiancé had been seeing another girl behind her back.
When confronted with the accusation, he admitted it – then delivered a stunning blow to Isobel. He informed her that, after they were married, he would continue taking other women out. Knowing she could never marry a man with such standards, Isobel broke off the engagement. Crushed and heartbroken, she sank into deep despair. For days, sleep eluded her.
One night, at her lowest point, the line of a poem from Dante drifted into her mind: “E’n la sua volontade è nostra pace.” It was part of an essay she had been reading in English class that day, and Isobel knew enough Latin to understand the meaning:
“In His will is our peace”.
The phrase made her pause. Did Dante believe in God? Was it possible that there really was a God in heaven? If so, Isobel knew she had not been living in His will. Was this why she had no peace?
Sitting in her bedroom, she dared to consider the possibility.
And she dared something else.
She prayed:
“God, if there be a God”, “if You will prove to me that You are, and if You will give me peace, I will give You my whole life. I’ll do anything You ask me to do, go where You send me, obey You all my days.”[4]
When she awoke in the morning, she was suddenly conscious that, for the first time in weeks, she had slept deeply and peacefully.
She tried to reason it away, but she could not deny that she had received peace – the very thing she had asked for. And she could not forget that she had made a bargain. She knew she needed to begin seeking after God.
Her starting point was Jesus Christ – the historical Man. She began reading the Gospels afresh, and she began to pray. She still had doubts, but she was seeking. In her book, By Searching, she traces the journey of how God did indeed answer that prayer. He proved Himself to Isobel in undeniable ways and drew her towards Himself.
As I read Isobel Kuhn’s account, I couldn’t help remembering my own experience as a young woman. I had my own crisis of faith, doubting God’s existence. Despite it being a very dark time in my life, I experienced the kindness of God in leading and guiding me, and making Himself known to me in answered prayers. I came to the place where I was willing to trust my life to Him, believing that “The LORD is my light and my salvation; . . . the LORD is the strength of my life” (Psalm 27:1).
If you are questioning the reality of God, don’t be afraid to press into Him and ask Him to prove Himself to you. Don’t turn away from God; move closer to Him in the struggle. God does not disregard the honest seeker, but says in the Bible, “you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).
Isobel writes, “God is not a puppet. Man may not pull strings and expect Him to perform”. “God is not man’s servant, that a puny atheist may shout a challenge and He is bound to respond. Neither is God a genie, that if man is lucky enough to find the right combinations of words, He will suddenly pop out and reveal Himself. God is our Creator, all powerful and dwelling in light unapproachable. He demands reverence. But He is also willing to be a Father to such as come to Him by his ordained road, Jesus Christ, and as a Father He tenderly stoops to the immaturity of the babe in Christ. This is the only explanation I have to offer for the following facts. God answered prayers which were unworthy even to have been brought before His presence. If I prayed those same prayers today He would not answer them. He responded then, ignoring the selfish vanity of the request, simply because of the honest seeking at the base.”[5]
“Simply because of the honest seeking at the base”. God sees the heart. He knows those who are honestly seeking Him – those whose hearts are willing to yield to Him, even though their minds are a confusion of questions and doubts.
If you are battling similar questions and doubts, follow the example of Isobel Kuhn. Read about the life of Jesus Christ in the Gospels. Pray to God. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions. Spend time with Christians – those who have truly experienced God in their lives. Read about men and women of faith from history, and observe the difference God made in their lives.
God proved to Isobel Kuhn that He was real. And in the process, her heart was won to her God and Saviour, Jesus Christ. She learned the joy of deep fellowship with God. In her closing words, she exhorts us: “‘Let us go on’. Go on searching and exploring the greatness and the dearness of our God.”[6]
(Isobel Kuhn became a missionary to a remote tribe in China, serving alongside her husband with the China Inland Mission from 1928 to 1954.)
[1] Isobel Kuhn, By Searching, 1959, p.6.
[2] Ibid., p.7.
[3] Ibid., p.7.
[4] Ibid., p.15.
[5] Ibid., pp.18-19.
[6] Ibid., p.160.
