In this article I will explore how the actions (or inactions) of fellow Christians can be an opportunity to trust in God, show grace and perseverance, and exercise spiritual wisdom, even in the face of discouragements, so that setbacks can be successfully overcome.
Expectations
People will, inadvertently or otherwise, say things that are insensitive and inaccurate. Even if they never did, there are occasions when we react wrongly, are overly sensitive or misunderstand. A certain level of day-to-day robustness and resilience is essential. This includes not taking offence easily, giving the best interpretations on motives legitimately possible, and exercising patience (1 Corinthains 13:4-7).
For many people, successes in life are accompanied with loneliness and criticism. While the Christian life should include much happy fellowship with others in the family of God, those who have truly lived for God have often been lonely and misunderstood. If the apostle Paul could say, “Only Luke is with me” (2 Timothy 4:11) and “At my first defence no one stood with me” (2 Timothy 4:16), we should not be surprised if we have similar experiences.
The well-known words of Psalm 23:5: “You anoint my head with oil” may be referring to the way shepherds protected their sheep. That lubrication healed small grazes, stopped damage from annoying bugs, and minimised the harm done when the sheep butted heads! Allowing the Holy Spirit (often pictured by oil in the Bible) to guide our reactions to the predictable, day-to-day frustrations of dealing with others is a good first step in successfully overcoming interpersonal friction. A simple application of Ecclesiastes 9:8 “Let your garments always be white, and let your head lack no oil” indicates that, in addition to living morally upright lives, we will need to rely on the Holy Spirit to help us deal with any discord that could easily set us back.
Example
Imperfect situations give opportunity to model grace and forgiveness – setting a good example can help others when they face similarly challenging circumstances. Timothy was told to be an example in the way he conducted himself. This was in a context where there was either the risk, or reality, of him being mistreated by Christians who should have known better (1 Timothy 4:12). The detailed record of Joseph’s remarkable and forgiving treatment of his brothers in the latter chapters of Genesis has, no doubt, been helpful to many.
While there are many good marriages, there are no perfect ones. Spouses have many opportunities to model respectful and kind interactions even under testing circumstances. This has the potential to be a helpful example for other family members as they watch how to handle the ups and downs of relationships from a spiritual perspective.
In teaching about humility and putting the interests and good of others above our own (a key attribute in dealing with others) in Philippians 2, Paul reinforced his teaching by citing four examples worthy of note: the Lord Jesus, Paul himself, Timothy and Epaphroditus.
Empathy
You may have had the experience of finding someone’s demeanour or reaction initially off-putting as I have, only to later discover that they were experiencing pressures or circumstances unknown to us. An understanding of the background, insecurities, anxieties or recent losses felt by someone may help us comprehend a tone, an unusual action or a mistake that we would not have expected – and which might otherwise lead us to make a negative judgement, causing a setback in our relationship with the person.
However, empathy has limits, and we must not condone – even by well-intentioned tolerance and forgiveness – behaviour that is clearly sinful. Where objective fault is involved, we should seek to follow the three-fold process of Matthew 18:15-20 (speaking with the individual, before involving a few others, and then, finally, bringing it before the church). However, there are some serious situations where either organisational or legal obligations will require a different course of action, and where professional help may be necessary to help encourage a successful recovery.
Elders
The general principle is that Christians should show respect for the leaders in their local church and “regard them very highly in love because of their work” (1 Thessalonians 5:13 NASB), but leaders are not exempt from failure and this will inevitably have a significant impact on others.
The serious consequences of leaders falling into sin are shown in the Old Testament by the specific provision for them in the sin offering (Leviticus 4:22-26), and in the New Testament by the procedure specified for dealing with elders who sin (1 Timothy 5:19-20).
However, there may be situations in which the church leaders make decisions that are deemed to be unbiblical, biased or at the very least unwise. There should always be the opportunity to humbly challenge such decisions but, whatever the final outcome, they can cause particularly discouraging setbacks. (Equally, shepherds can be discouraged when, despite their best efforts, the sheep are stubborn and reluctant to be led in the right way!)
Because both the leaders and the wider nation of Israel failed to have sufficient faith to enter the promised land, Joshua and Caleb had to endure the wilderness. They successfully overcame this setback by not letting the failure of others impact their personal vision and desire to live for God, and the Lord enabled them to enter Canaan.
The Lord takes a keen interest in any mistreatment of His people by their leaders (Ezekiel 34), and taking the matter to the Lord in prayer for wisdom is essential in these situations. Samuel was very distressed and disappointed by Saul’s failures to lead God’s people in the right way; nevertheless, he said “far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you” (1 Samuel 12:23).
Encouraging others
I like to grow roses, not because I am much of a gardener, but because they remind me of people! In many ways they are beautiful – in their design, variety, colour, texture and fragrance – but if you spend time close to them, they can be surprisingly prickly!
As we have sought to help and develop others, I am sure most of us have experienced some scratches and frustrations and even felt rejection. It was not easy for Paul, in his letters, to patiently teach believers he had helped in the past and who were now facing setbacks (2 Corinthians 2:4, Galatians 4:11-20).
When parents are watching the early steps of a child, it would be strange if, at the first fall, they gave up on the whole idea of the child ever walking! People develop at different speeds and growth is rarely linear (i.e., sometimes going well, other times not so well). If we are willing to give patient encouragement, combined with occasional correction, we will be showing the parental care that Paul spoke about in his attitude to younger believers (1 Thessalonians 2:7-12).
I have also found it useful to remember three things. Firstly, the Lord cares more for others than we do and every concern we have for their good, He understands. Secondly, the value of other Christians is demonstrated in what the Lord Jesus has done for them, not what we are investing in their lives (the elders at Ephesus were told to “shepherd the church of God that He obtained with the blood of his own Son” Acts 20:28 NET). Thirdly, spiritual care should primarily be out of love for the Lord . . . three times in John 21, when the Lord tasks Peter with caring for others, he does not ask Peter about his love for them, but He asks, “do you love Me?” (vv.15,16,17).
End goals
In our reaction to the inevitable setbacks that come with fellow Christians, it is essential that we have our view on long term outcomes. “The little foxes that spoil the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15 ESV) can be an issue in all relationships, so a sense of perspective is key to stopping relatively minor issues spoiling what could be significantly beneficial. There are times when allowing the Lord to deal with what we perceive as injustice leaves us free to put our energy into more productive pursuits. There is no place for the Christian, who appreciates how much they have been forgiven, holding grudges. Whatever the issues in Acts 15 that separated Paul and John Mark, they must have remained open to things improving as Paul could later write, “he [John Mark] is useful to me” (2 Timothy 4:11) – they had successfully overcome the earlier setback.
