Preparing for Marriage

The fact that my wife, Rhoda, and I know of many couples currently making plans for marriage has raised an important question: what level of preparation are local churches providing for those about to embark on married life?

Preparing for Marriage

Part 1: Laying a Strong Foundation

Personal conversations with couples preparing for marriage are highly valuable. These meetings benefit the engaged couple, those mentoring them and the church as a whole. They encourage involvement in personal ministry and provide firsthand experiences of God’s gracious dealings in people's lives.

Rather than solely relying on teaching from the pulpit, one-on-one instruction offers a more tailored experience where personal issues can be discussed openly. This approach allows younger couples to assimilate and embrace biblical teaching early on, helping them to avoid future mistakes and navigate potential problems with guidance and support. It's crucial that these opportunities help couples to appreciate why God has brought them together, fostering a deeper understanding of the significance of their union.

Rhoda and I have had the privilege of being involved in this ministry and have drawn help from six key principles taken from an article written by Rob Green, one of the elders at Faith Church, Lafayette, Indiana[1]. These blog posts delve into these six principles, and will hopefully be of help to any couple planning to get married or wanting to helping those who are to be married.

1. Keeping the Lord Jesus at the Centre:

The success of a Christian marriage is rooted in each partner’s dedication to being godly, rather than giving the first priority to the marriage itself. The Lord Jesus highlighted the importance of loving God with all one's heart, soul, and mind, and then loving one's neighbour, which includes a spouse (Matthew 22:37-39). This underscores that a spouse, while the closest “neighbour”, is secondary to one's relationship with God. Couples need to focus on fostering this relationship with Christ, recognising that the gospel should impact every area of life.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31-32 ESV).

These verses reassure believers that if God sacrificed His Son for humanity, He will not withhold any good thing. This perspective allows individuals to find fulfilment in Christ rather than in their spouse, understanding that it is the Lord who ultimately provides all that is needed. Consequently, they can enjoy marital blessings without placing unrealistic expectations on their partner.

Couples need to know that their spouse can never fulfil the role of the Saviour; only Christ can. This understanding allows them to appreciate their spouse for who they are, as designed by God, without expecting them to be a hero. A marriage reflects Christ and the church, where being the right kind of person (Ephesians 4:17-24) precedes being the right partner (Ephesians 5:22-33) and parent (Ephesians 6:1-4), ensuring that God's blessings flow naturally through their relationship with Christ and each other.

2. Loving the way Jesus loves:

If the Lord Jesus is central to everything, He must also be central to love. 1 Corinthians 13 beautifully outlines the principles of love, emphasising that without love all actions are meaningless.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV).

 These principles challenge couples to reflect on the true nature of love. Patience in love means enduring irritations and grievances repeatedly. Kindness in love persists even when hurt. True love celebrates the other’s gifts without jealousy and seeks to support and uplift rather than compete. It puts aside personal needs to serve the other, especially during challenging times.

Biblical love endures all things, committing to face life's challenges together. This enduring love is crucial, as life's unpredictable hardships, such as infertility or the loss of a child, test the strength of a relationship.

It is essential to encourage couples to deeply ponder and meditate on this passage. Recognising the impossibility of loving perfectly in our own strength, couples are reminded that through the Lord, who perfectly embodies love, they can learn to love as the Bible instructs. Thus, keeping the Lord Jesus Christ at the centre is essential for cultivating a love that truly reflects the principles of 1 Corinthians 13.

3. Dealing with problems biblically:

Problems can multiply rapidly in marriage and many issues that arise stem from couples not knowing how to solve them. They may feel like they’re "walking on eggshells" and hoarding relational rubbish. Effective problem-solving requires personal accountability.

Firstly, each partner must be ready to acknowledge their part in the problem. Many avoid this, as illustrated by someone who blamed poor communication for his issues despite his own severe misconduct. Such flawed self-assessments highlight the need for true accountability.

Effective problem-solving involves self-examination and taking responsibility for one’s actions, akin to removing the "log" from one's eye (Matthew 7:5). Couples should determine to always address issues early, before they escalate into deeper bitterness and anger. Repentance, when this is necessary, will go beyond mere acknowledgment of wrongdoing and involve a genuine willingness to change. Following this, forgiveness and agreement to move forward are crucial steps in resolving conflicts.

For couples not yet married, who claim they've never faced an issue, it can be helpful to present a hypothetical situation and think through how this could be solved biblically. This proactive approach equips believers to handle real challenges in their future life together.

Stay tuned for our next blog post, where we will delve into the remaining three principles for preparing for marriage, focusing on marital roles, communication, and financial management.

 

[1] https://biblicalcounseling.com/resource-library/conference-messages/counseling-couples-preparing-for-marriage/